The Midrash Tanchuma says:

אַתְּ מוֹצֵא שְׁלֹשָׁה שֵׁמוֹת נִקְרְאוּ לוֹ לְאָדָם, אֶחָד מַה שֶּׁקּוֹרְאִים לוֹ אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ, וְאֶחָד מַה שֶּׁקּוֹרְאִין לוֹ בְּנֵי אָדָם, וְאֶחָד מַה שֶּׁקּוֹנֶה הוּא לְעַצְמוֹ.

Chazal tell us a person has 3 names, what his parents call him, what hi peers call him, and lastly, the name he acquires for himself. Why do chazal switch from the lashon of “calling” by the name one receives from parents and peers to “acquires” by the name the individual gets himself?

Perhaps “name” here is deeper than just what he is called, not only a nickname or the like. A name can be a title, a role, the definition of a person. Our roles in our families and amongst peers are often defined for us. The oldest might resent the extra responsibility of being the “example” for the younger siblings or always having to do chores because the others are too young. The youngest might resent being “babied” by all the older siblings. Make no mistake, these are real roles, real names, yet we don’t have complete control over them. Often, we must accept them and make the most of the situation by learning from them. However, the name a person “makes” for himself, through work and effort, his goals and aspirations, the challenges he overcomes, that is a role that must be “acquired”, the individual must make that name for himself. It takes years, even a lifetime, for a person to define himself. Perhaps that is even our main purpose here in this world, to figure out who we are.

The Midrash concludes:

טוֹב מִכֻּלָּן מַה שֶּׁקּוֹנֶה הוּא לְעַצְמוֹ

The name a person makes for himself, his self-image and self-worth, those are the most important names he receives in life. Ultimately, we all have to deal with people who judge us or try to define us, and we can’t always change their opinion. Yet that has no bearing on our true self, which is defined by us and untouchable. When I discuss this with teens, they often express that they don’t really know who they are, and so that’s why being defined by others, labeled, can be so frustrating and even scary and painful. Its hard when you don’t know who you are and then someone who seems very sure of themselves tells you who you are. I always explain to them that this time of their lives is the most exciting, exactly because they are on the process of developing themselves and figuring themselves out. As we age, our internal self gets more and more solid and we can become “stuck” (obviously there is always teshuva, but we know the longer you have a habit the harder it is to change). Teenage years are so special exactly because they are confusing, they are full of so many possibilities and so much potential. It’s the excitement of a blank page before it is written or drawn on. When a teen looks at their own “page” though and sees very little or even nothing, they become self-conscious and feel bad about themselves. They often think that they are the only one like this, everyone else seems to have it all figured out (social media makes this much much worse, as everyone constantly posts words and pictures that depict their lives being more exciting and with it constantly than it is in reality, which is why its use elevates depression in teens). Teens need to know that the reason their pages are empty is not a reflection on themselves but because they haven’t had the opportunity to write anything yet, to work hard and accomplish.

The Midrash explains:

כָּל זְמַן שֶׁאָדָם מַרְבֶּה בַּמִּצְוֹת, הוּא קֹנֶה שֵׁם טוֹב לְעַצְמוֹ

The way to make your personal “name”, the most important name you receive, is through positive actions and accomplishments, what we call “Mitzvos”. Kids need boundaries, but they also need the freedom to do and accomplish, to try and fail and face challenges and learn about themselves. It is our responsibility to create and foster that type of environment for them, in a supportive and safe way.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

A Midrash Tanchuma

R. Alexandri said: Two mules are being led along a road by men who despise each other. Suddenly, one of the mules falls to the ground. As the one who is leading the second mule passes by, he sees the mule of the other man stretched out beneath his load, and he says to himself: “Is it not written in the law that If thou seest the donkey of him that hateth thee lying under its burden, thou shalt forbear to pass him by; thou shalt verily release it for him?” What did he do? He turned back to help the other man reload his mule, and then accompanied him on the way. In fact, while working with him he began to talk to the owner of the mule, saying: “Let us loosen it a little on this side, let us tighten it down on this side,” until he reloaded the animal with him. It came to pass that they had made peace between themselves. The driver of the mule (that had fallen) said to himself: “I cannot believe that he hates me; see how concerned he was when he saw that my mule and I were in distress.” As a result, they went into the inn, and ate and drank together. Finally they be-came extremely attached to each other. Hence, Thou hast established equity, Thou hast executed justice and righteousness.

I always encourage the boys to express their thoughts and feelings, to resolve conflict through mature open and honest dialogue, using communication and compromise. However, sometimes One or both sides are not ready or able. This happens in all types of conflicts, with friends, with parents or children, siblings, co-workers. Sometimes talking things out isn’t always the best option.

The Midrash explains here how this very important mitzvah can help 2 people in conflict work through their issues without directly addressing it. In fact, perhaps here, where the Torah testifies that there is real hate involved, speaking could risk making things worse. Words can be misconstrued or unaccepted and worsen the conflict Chas V’Shalom. How did these 2 individuals work through their issues. By spending time together, focusing on a task and working together. The task required communication and teamwork. Both sides needed the other to get the job done, and that means they needed to respect and listen to each other, sometimes letting one lead and the other follow, and vice versa. The task equalized and humanized them.

Sometimes when we find ourselves in a “fight” with a child/student, it might be best to drop the issue for now and just spend time together, doing something productive and working together. The truth is, we don’t need to wait for conflict to arise to employ this tactic. It is important to spend time with teens outside of giving advice/educating/reprimanding/directing etc. IF we can find even once a week, once a month, something “Parve” to do together, a walk, a trip to cofix, a bike ride, a card game, or a backyard project, where we treat the teen as a partner and equal, rely on them as much as they rely on us (with or without realizing it and which they also sometimes resent). I have found the best conversations I have had with my children and students are not planned but rather unfold organically while both of us are distracted from each other, our relationship and all that goes with it.

I know of a story of a farmer with many children who divided up the chores among them. One child was picked for early morning/late night rounds checking on the animals in the winter. The chore could last an hour. The child resented being woken up in the middle of the night from a warm bed, and constantly complained why she had to be picked for this job.

Later in life when the child grew up, she realized that most of who she became, her ideals and goals, her personality and sense of morality, her entire outlook on life grew out of those nighttime chores spent together with her father, who never stopped talking and telling stories. Imagine having your teens ear for an hour a day without all the distractions, baggage and everything else that sometimes gets in the way! As an aside, if your struggling with what to tell your teen, I recently saw a study that showed children who grew up hearing stories about their parents, grandparents, relatives etc. have a greater percentage of continuing their families culture and way of life. The stories provide context for the child and create a sense of responsibility and connection with the past. It is much easier to break away form something you feel disconnected from then form something you feel a real link with. But don’t try too hard, the best and most meaningful moments happen all on their own without trying, like in the above Midrash.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

The first Midrash in this weeks parsha:

He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chastiseth him (Prov. 13:24). Normally, if a man in-forms his friend that someone has beaten his son, the fa-ther would deprive the guilty person even of the source of his livelihood. Why, then, does Scripture state: He that spareth his rod hateth his son? This teaches you that whenever a man fails to chastise his son, that son will ul-timately act wickedly, and he will come to despise him. We find this to be so in the case of Ishmael, who behaved fondly toward his father, who failed to chastise him, and he thus went astray. As a result, Abraham began to des-pise him, and drove him empty-handed from his home.

2 What had Ishmael done? When he was fifteen years old, he brought idols into his home, to play with and to wor-ship as he had seen others do. She said to him: Abraham, cast out this bondwoman and her son(Gen. 21:10), lest my son learn from his behavior.

3 And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight be-cause of his son. And God said unto Abraham: “Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah saith unto thee, hearken unto her voice” (ibid. 21:11–12). Thereupon, Abraham arose up early in the morning, and took bread and a bottle of wine (ibid., v. 14). (This episode) teaches us that he hated Ishmael because he had gone astray, and as a result drove him and Hagar, his own wife, from his home empty-handed.

4 Do you believe that Abraham would have driven his own wife and son from his home, without clothes or food, sil-ver or cattle (for any other reason)? This (episode) simply teaches us that after Ishmael went astray, he was no longer concerned about him. But if this is so, what is meant by And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight on account of his son? It means that he was actually concerned (about the consequence of) Ishmael’s straying. You find that when Ishmael grew up, he would wait at the crossroads to murder and rob those who passed by

5 Another example of this is stated in Scripture: Now Isaac loved Esau (ibid. 25:28). Apparently, Esau went astray be-cause his father failed to chastise him. As we have learned, the wicked Esau committed five transgressions in one day: he slept with a betrothed maiden, killed a man, denied the concept of resurrection, rejected the es-sential principle of religion (i.e., became an atheist), and despised the birthright. Furthermore, he longed for his father’s death, so that he might slay his brother. He com-pelled Jacob to flee from his father’s house, while he went to Ishmael’s home to learn evil ways from him, and to add to the number of his wives,

6 Similarly, Absalom went astray because David failed to chastise and punish him. He tried to kill (his father), he slept with his father’s ten concubines, he forced his fa-ther to wander about barefoot and weeping, he brought about the slaughter of thousands of Israelites, and caused him innumerable trials

7 Degeneracy in a man’s house is considered far more grievous than the war between God and Magog.

9 And he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (Prov. 13:24). This alludes to Abraham, who punished Isaac, taught him the law, and guided him in his ways. Yitzchak resembled his father in every respect; in beauty, wisdom, strength, riches, and (the performance of) good deeds. You know this to be so from the fact that though Isaac, at the time of the sacrifice, was thirty-seven years of age, and Abraham was an old man, yet he bound him and tied him as though he were a sheep, and Isaac did not resist. Hence, And he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

10 Similarly, the verse And he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes alludes to Jacob. His father, Isaac, taught him the law and reprimanded him (as he studied) in the schoolroom. After he had absorbed everything his father could teach him, he left his father’s home to live in Eber’s home, where he continued to study the law. Therefore, he deserved to inherit the land of Israel. Our patriarch Ja-cob also punished and rebuked his sons, and taught them his customs and practices lest blemishes should appear in their character. Whence do we know this? From the fact that Scripture states: And these are the names of the sons of Israel: Reuben, Simeon, etc. Scripture equates them all. Hence, he that loveth his son chasteneth him betimes.

11 Likewise, He that loveth his son chasteneth him be-times refers to the righteous Bath-sheba, who rebuked her son, Solomon, R. Yosé the son of Hanina posed the question: What is meant by The burden wherewith his mother corrected him? It means that Bath-sheba turned him over a whipping post and punished him by beating him with a rod. What did she say to him as she did this? What, my son? and what, O son of my womb? and what, O son of my vows? With these words she was say-ing to him: “Everyone knows that your father is a God-fearing man, and if you should go astray, they will say that you are my son, and I am responsible for what you are.” And what, O son of my womb? “When the other women of your father’s house became pregnant, they saw the king’s face no more, but I went to him so that I might have a well-formed and powerful son.”6 And what, O son of my vows? “All the other women of your father’s house vowed: I shall have a son fit for kingship, but I vowed: I will have a son wise in the knowledge of the law and worthy of prophecy.” Therefore she beat him and chastised him and said to him: It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes to say: “Where is strong drink?”. That is to say, she was tell-ing him: “What have you to do with kings who drink wine, become drunk, and say, O Lemuel, what is God to us? It is not for princes to say: Where is strong drink? Shall he, to whom all secrets of the world are revealed, drink wine and become drunk?” Therefore she chastised him, and He was wiser than all men

12 Every father who chastises his son increases the child’s love and respect for his father, as it is written: Chasten thy son, for there is hope; but set not thy heart on his de-struction (ibid. 19:18). Hence, But he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

I believe the message of the first Midrash on our parsha is clear: kids need expectations and boundaries. These are expressions of love, showing you care, and that you believe in the capabilities and potential of the child. Being tough is an expression of love. Unfortunately, we sometimes fear “being too tough”, or are afraid we will be the cause our kids were “turned off”. Perhaps sometimes we just don’t want to fight with our kids. All these choices are based on around us, our own motivations and considerations, not the student’s/child’s, and they know it. (the flip side is true as well, if we are being “tough” for selfish reasons, for reputation, shidduchim or whatnot, the kids see through that too which could result in even worse results).

No one is Chas V’Shalom advocating hitting, as the literal translation of the pasuk and the story with Bat Sheva would imply. It is merely a vivid image of how a parent must be prepared to do uncomfortable things, to be tough, for the sake of their children. As it starts off, “Usually a parent would be furious if someone touched their child, what does it mean then spare the rod spoil the child?”. Our nature is to want to give to our kids and students, and the greatest gifts we can give them are boundaries and expectations. Don’t take this for granted, we have to articulate this in the moment, when we are “laying down the law”, that we are doing this not to hurt them and not because we don’t understand or trust the, rather we love them so much we are willing to make the tough decisions for them, to let them even become angry and “hate” us, that’s how much we care.

Interestingly, the Midrash says that the parent/teacher who is not tough with their child/student ultimately will be hated by them, and perhaps come to hate them themselves. We have to keep our eyes on the big picture. Being tough might make 7th grade-12th grade miserable, but could be the biggest investment, securing our children for the decades to come. In choosing the softer path while our kids are in high school, some Chas V’Shalom could lose them forever. May Hashem give us strength in our choices and help us in bringing out the best in our children.

Shabbat Shalom,

Have a great Shabbos,

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel