A Midrash on Parshas Tazriah:

It once happened that the evil Turnus Rufus asked Rabbi Akiva, “which are the greater works, those of the Holy One Blessed is He, or those of flesh and blood?” He said to him, “Those of flesh and blood are greater.” Turnus Rufus said, “But the Heavens and Earth — is Man able to make such as those?” Rabbi Akiva said to him, “Don’t speak to me about something which is beyond Man, which he has no mastery over, rather speak of things which are found among people.” He said, “Why do you circumcise?” He replied, “I knew you were going to ask me about that, which is why I started by telling you that the works of Man are better than the works of the Holy One Blessed is He.” Rabbi Akiva brought him stalks [of grain] and loaves [of bread]. He said to him, “These are the works of the Holy One Blessed is He, and these are the works of Man.” He said, “Those are no better than the stalks.’ Turnus Rufus [then] said to him, “If He wants circumcision, why does the infant not emerge circumcised from his mother’s womb?” Rabbi Akiva said to him,”And why does his umbilical chord emerge with him, [so] he hangs from the belly, and his mother [has to] cut it? And this that you said ‘Why doesn’t he emerge circumcised?’, [the reason is] because the Holy One Blessed is He gave the Israel the commandments only in order to refine Israel through the commandments.

This Midrash shows us than no one is created perfect. Sometimes we wish that our students and children would conform to a certain mold, that their education would be smooth and perfect. Rabi Akiva is saying that physically we are incomplete, we have an umbilical chord, we must learn how to walk, communicate, eat (unlike the rest of nature that is born with natural survival instincts and don’t require much development). This reflects our internal selves as well, spiritually, our midos, personality and character traits. Our job is to complete ourselves, which involves struggle, making mistakes, learning and doing teshuva. The rest of nature is created by Hashem in perfection, because it is only a tool for us to use and enjoy. This is the essential difference: When we acknowledge our student’s/children’s challenges we can help them grow and mature, to reach their potential, what they were created for, and have the zechus to assist in that amazing process. If we are frustrated about their challenges and wish they can just learn/fit in better, be more respectful, pay attention, listen etc. we are saying to ourselves (hopefully) that we want them to fit our version and expectation of perfect. Again, anything perfect in this world is only a tool to work with, and sometimes unfortunately kids feel like they are only treated as a tool to fit their parents/teacher’s expectations of life.

Chazal tell us there are 3 partners in the creation of a human being: God, a father and mother. This creation we now know is unfinished and imperfect. It is the individual’s responsibility to finish the job. Hashem gives the individual tools and guidance, mitzvos, to reach this goal. Hashem is modeling for us, his partners, to likewise give our children the resources and support they need and the space to figure it out on their own, to become the fullest version of themselves. It is a huge honor to pratner with Hashem in this endeavor, and zechus assist jewish neshamas on this journey. May we be zocheh.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

The Midrash Tanchuma says:

אַתְּ מוֹצֵא שְׁלֹשָׁה שֵׁמוֹת נִקְרְאוּ לוֹ לְאָדָם, אֶחָד מַה שֶּׁקּוֹרְאִים לוֹ אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ, וְאֶחָד מַה שֶּׁקּוֹרְאִין לוֹ בְּנֵי אָדָם, וְאֶחָד מַה שֶּׁקּוֹנֶה הוּא לְעַצְמוֹ.

Chazal tell us a person has 3 names, what his parents call him, what hi peers call him, and lastly, the name he acquires for himself. Why do chazal switch from the lashon of “calling” by the name one receives from parents and peers to “acquires” by the name the individual gets himself?

Perhaps “name” here is deeper than just what he is called, not only a nickname or the like. A name can be a title, a role, the definition of a person. Our roles in our families and amongst peers are often defined for us. The oldest might resent the extra responsibility of being the “example” for the younger siblings or always having to do chores because the others are too young. The youngest might resent being “babied” by all the older siblings. Make no mistake, these are real roles, real names, yet we don’t have complete control over them. Often, we must accept them and make the most of the situation by learning from them. However, the name a person “makes” for himself, through work and effort, his goals and aspirations, the challenges he overcomes, that is a role that must be “acquired”, the individual must make that name for himself. It takes years, even a lifetime, for a person to define himself. Perhaps that is even our main purpose here in this world, to figure out who we are.

The Midrash concludes:

טוֹב מִכֻּלָּן מַה שֶּׁקּוֹנֶה הוּא לְעַצְמוֹ

The name a person makes for himself, his self-image and self-worth, those are the most important names he receives in life. Ultimately, we all have to deal with people who judge us or try to define us, and we can’t always change their opinion. Yet that has no bearing on our true self, which is defined by us and untouchable. When I discuss this with teens, they often express that they don’t really know who they are, and so that’s why being defined by others, labeled, can be so frustrating and even scary and painful. Its hard when you don’t know who you are and then someone who seems very sure of themselves tells you who you are. I always explain to them that this time of their lives is the most exciting, exactly because they are on the process of developing themselves and figuring themselves out. As we age, our internal self gets more and more solid and we can become “stuck” (obviously there is always teshuva, but we know the longer you have a habit the harder it is to change). Teenage years are so special exactly because they are confusing, they are full of so many possibilities and so much potential. It’s the excitement of a blank page before it is written or drawn on. When a teen looks at their own “page” though and sees very little or even nothing, they become self-conscious and feel bad about themselves. They often think that they are the only one like this, everyone else seems to have it all figured out (social media makes this much much worse, as everyone constantly posts words and pictures that depict their lives being more exciting and with it constantly than it is in reality, which is why its use elevates depression in teens). Teens need to know that the reason their pages are empty is not a reflection on themselves but because they haven’t had the opportunity to write anything yet, to work hard and accomplish.

The Midrash explains:

כָּל זְמַן שֶׁאָדָם מַרְבֶּה בַּמִּצְוֹת, הוּא קֹנֶה שֵׁם טוֹב לְעַצְמוֹ

The way to make your personal “name”, the most important name you receive, is through positive actions and accomplishments, what we call “Mitzvos”. Kids need boundaries, but they also need the freedom to do and accomplish, to try and fail and face challenges and learn about themselves. It is our responsibility to create and foster that type of environment for them, in a supportive and safe way.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

The Midrash Tanchuma notes how the Mitzvah of lighting the Menorah in the Makom HaMikdash is difficult to understand. Does Hashem need light? Hashem is the source of all true light! Whats then is the significance of this Avodah, which has such emphasis and even its own chag, Chanukah? We are told later on that when Aharon does this avodah it is even greater than all the Korbanos of the Nesiim?

The Midrash concludes that obviously Hashem does not require from us light. Nor does he really need anything we do. Every mitzvah and avodah is intrinsic to the functioning of the world, as Hashem looked in the Torah and created the universe. When Hashem gives us a mitzvah, he is inviting us to partner with him in the creation and upkeep of the universe. It is a zechus, not a burden.

As parents and mechanchim are, in a way, a dugma for the relationship an individual has with Hashem, we should take the same approach when giving our children chores and setting rules and expectations. It is not that we need something from them (though sometimes we could use the extra helping hand, that’s not the focus), we are inviting them to partner with us. It is a zechus to run a home and be a part of a family, to need each other and have obligations and responsibilities to one another. It is a zechus to be part of something greater than yourself, to build. May we ourselves exemplify this spirit in everything we do and inspire our children and students to as well.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

And they shall make Me a sanctuary and I will dwell in their midst

This pasuk explains everything. Avodas Hashem, the purpose of Mitzvos, our relationship with Hashem, what we try to instill in our children. In todays world we are often taught that “the inside is what counts”. We tend to look at outer and surface level things as “superficial”. Teens very often voice these sentiments: “Hashem cares more if you’re a ‘good person’ than which shoe you tie first” and the like.

The reality is, however, is that each individual knows on the inside he is quite far from where he should be, and we try (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) to cover up where we are holding on the inside with superficial things.

We see here in this pasuk, the opposite idea: build a mishkan, take action, build a superficial model for Hashem to dwell in, and then he will dwell IN YOU. I often tell the boys that Judaism cares more about where your holding on the inside, your level of emunah, bitachon, yiras Hashem and ahavas Hashem, than it does about doing the right actions, following the mitzvos and halacha. Judaism is all about outside action, there is very little in comparison dedicated to the inner workings of the human being explicitly or at all in the Torah. We learn here an essential truth, it is though the outside and the seemingly superficial that we work and develop our insides. Actions speak louder than words.

This could explain why so many teens feel disconnected, frustrated, doubt, empty. They have accomplished very little in their lives, they haven’t had the chance. Without the עָשׂוּ לִי, מִקְדָשׁ there can be no וְשָׁכַנְתִי, בְתוֹכָם . That’s why many teens (hopefully) grow out of this, and its mainly a stage. Its not that they necessarily find all their answers (as we well know) but that they grow up and mature. The more they accomplish and experience the more they learn about themselves and the world, the more they fill themselves up. Therefore, it is extremely important that, while we offer guidance and set boundaries to protect them, we must also give them the freedom to make mistakes, to fall and get back up, to learn, to build within themselves a place that Be”H will be filled by the Shechina.
Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

A Midrash Tanchuma

R. Alexandri said: Two mules are being led along a road by men who despise each other. Suddenly, one of the mules falls to the ground. As the one who is leading the second mule passes by, he sees the mule of the other man stretched out beneath his load, and he says to himself: “Is it not written in the law that If thou seest the donkey of him that hateth thee lying under its burden, thou shalt forbear to pass him by; thou shalt verily release it for him?” What did he do? He turned back to help the other man reload his mule, and then accompanied him on the way. In fact, while working with him he began to talk to the owner of the mule, saying: “Let us loosen it a little on this side, let us tighten it down on this side,” until he reloaded the animal with him. It came to pass that they had made peace between themselves. The driver of the mule (that had fallen) said to himself: “I cannot believe that he hates me; see how concerned he was when he saw that my mule and I were in distress.” As a result, they went into the inn, and ate and drank together. Finally they be-came extremely attached to each other. Hence, Thou hast established equity, Thou hast executed justice and righteousness.

I always encourage the boys to express their thoughts and feelings, to resolve conflict through mature open and honest dialogue, using communication and compromise. However, sometimes One or both sides are not ready or able. This happens in all types of conflicts, with friends, with parents or children, siblings, co-workers. Sometimes talking things out isn’t always the best option.

The Midrash explains here how this very important mitzvah can help 2 people in conflict work through their issues without directly addressing it. In fact, perhaps here, where the Torah testifies that there is real hate involved, speaking could risk making things worse. Words can be misconstrued or unaccepted and worsen the conflict Chas V’Shalom. How did these 2 individuals work through their issues. By spending time together, focusing on a task and working together. The task required communication and teamwork. Both sides needed the other to get the job done, and that means they needed to respect and listen to each other, sometimes letting one lead and the other follow, and vice versa. The task equalized and humanized them.

Sometimes when we find ourselves in a “fight” with a child/student, it might be best to drop the issue for now and just spend time together, doing something productive and working together. The truth is, we don’t need to wait for conflict to arise to employ this tactic. It is important to spend time with teens outside of giving advice/educating/reprimanding/directing etc. IF we can find even once a week, once a month, something “Parve” to do together, a walk, a trip to cofix, a bike ride, a card game, or a backyard project, where we treat the teen as a partner and equal, rely on them as much as they rely on us (with or without realizing it and which they also sometimes resent). I have found the best conversations I have had with my children and students are not planned but rather unfold organically while both of us are distracted from each other, our relationship and all that goes with it.

I know of a story of a farmer with many children who divided up the chores among them. One child was picked for early morning/late night rounds checking on the animals in the winter. The chore could last an hour. The child resented being woken up in the middle of the night from a warm bed, and constantly complained why she had to be picked for this job.

Later in life when the child grew up, she realized that most of who she became, her ideals and goals, her personality and sense of morality, her entire outlook on life grew out of those nighttime chores spent together with her father, who never stopped talking and telling stories. Imagine having your teens ear for an hour a day without all the distractions, baggage and everything else that sometimes gets in the way! As an aside, if your struggling with what to tell your teen, I recently saw a study that showed children who grew up hearing stories about their parents, grandparents, relatives etc. have a greater percentage of continuing their families culture and way of life. The stories provide context for the child and create a sense of responsibility and connection with the past. It is much easier to break away form something you feel disconnected from then form something you feel a real link with. But don’t try too hard, the best and most meaningful moments happen all on their own without trying, like in the above Midrash.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

A Midrash Tanchuma

How did they try Him? R. Judah the son of Nehemiah and the sages differed over this. R. Judah held: They deliberated and said: If He supplies us with food, then just as a king is praised and honored by the people when he enters a city, because he satisfies all their needs, so we will serve Him, but if He does not do so, we will rebel against Him. Our sages maintained “We will consider this in our hearts, and if He knows what we are thinking, we will serve Him, but if not we will not serve Him, as it is said: Is the Lord among us, or not?

R. Levi declared: This situation may be compared to a child that is being carried on his father’s shoulders. When he sees some-thing that excites him he calls out: “Father, take me there.” The father carries him to that place, and then to another and finally to a third place, yet the child, on seeing another man approaching them, asks: “Have you seen my father?” His father calls out: “You have been riding on my shoulders, and wherever you wished to go I carried you, yet now you ask ‘Have you seen my father?’” He then put him down. Whereupon a dog rushed at the child and bit him. Similarly, when the Israelites left Egypt, He surrounded them with clouds of glory, and when they wanted bread, He sent them manna, as it is said: And He caused manna to rain upon them for food, and He gave them of the corn of heaven. And when they wanted meat, He gave them quail, as it is stated: They asked and He brought quails. That is why it says: He gave them that which they craved. And though He gave them whatever they demanded, yet they asked: Is the Lord among us or not? The Holy One, blessed be He, said to them: This is what you have been thinking. There-fore, this dog will bite you. Hence, And Amalek came.

Ever feel like your kids/students do this? They say (or think) about us “If they give me what I want (or think I need) then I’ll do what they ask/respect them/listen to them/have a relationship with them”. Our reaction, as was that of Hashem, is to feel unappreciated. We do so much, sacrifice, work, and yet they still test us to see if we really care, if we are really there for them. That’s Rabi Yehuda, according to Chazal sometimes we have to read their minds! To know what they’re thinking and respond appropriately. Sometimes they don’t even acknowledge at all that we have done anything for them! How did Hashem respond and what can we learn from this?

I would first say that, contrary to how it seems, the Midrash is NOT telling us to get into a scorekeeping game with our children. I don’t believe Hashem was saying “well if you think I do nothing for you then fine I’ll really do nothing for you”. We can’t let kids manipulate us down to their level, we need to raise them to ours. I believe what Hashem was saying “There is no relationship here, I want one, but your doing business, keeping score. This is not a loving relationship”. We don’t do things for those we love because we expect to be paid back. We want that love reciprocated, not because it is “owed” but because it is sincere. Hashem “withdrew”, saying “I am here, waiting for you, ready to have this relationship (he continued to provide for them constantly even when he was being tested and “withdrew”). He let them walk independently, not to “teach them a lesson”, but so that they can learn on their own this important lesson. Hashem had nothing to “prove” to Bnei Yisroel, he wanted them to grow from this experience and realize the importance of having a relationship. It’s a thin line, because in essence it is the same act. Sometimes we must withdraw or withhold from our kids, but if its done in a spirit of “now I got you” or “now you’ll learn”, if its “getting back at them” or keeping score, then they wont learn, and in essence we are proving them right, that this is a business relationship, quid pro quo. Instead, when we have to “withdraw” we must do it in a way that says “this is difficult for me, but we don’t have a relationship here. I am waiting for you here, like I always have been and always will be, to have a relationship with you, based on love and not what we get out of each other. Children from a young age don’t think abstractly. Think in concrete terms, A causes B, if I do C then I will get D. They need to be slowly trained as their brains develop to have deeper more meaningful relationships. They also are trained form a young age to be takers, and so associate their relationships as give and take. It requires a lot of patience, but ultimately pays off.

Shabbat Shalom, Have a Great Shabbos

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

The Midrash explains that there were 4 different responses Bnei Yisroel had when faced with Pharos army:

1. Retreat to Egypt.
2. Give up and die.
3. Jump in the water and swim to safety.
4. Fight back.

All these responses were wrong. So often we are faced with challenges, difficulties, anxieties. We plan for every eventuality and contingency. Yet, we leave Hashem out of the equation. It is to Hashem, and only Hashem, we are supposed to turn to in times of distress, everything else is merely our Hishtadlut or a messenger from him.

Shabbat Shalom.

1) Makas Choshech: Chazal tell us how the “darkness” was so “thick” that when it fell whatever a Mitzri was doing at that moment, he became stuck in that position for the duration of the Maka. A frightening image! Imagine being stuck, unable to move, and also unable to see anyone else! How lonely! Each Mitzri had to face this Maka alone in the dark!

Sometimes a struggling teen has difficulty finding the right words in expressing their challenges. This to me seems such a good mashal for how so many teens feel. Stuck, unable to change their habits, held back, usually by forces and challenges they don’t yet fully comprehend or can see, lonely, unable to see a way out, unsure if others can see them and their pain.

After Makas Choshech, the Jews “gained favor” in the eyes of the Mitzrim when they asked for gold to take with them into the desert. This was because the Mitzrim realized that the Jews could have taken advantage of the Mitzrim while they were incapacitated. Jews were there with them and saw the places where they kept all their valuables. They also realized that they were not alone in the dark. One day, I”H, these struggling teens will mature and “see the light”. They will look back, and hopefully see that although they felt alone, we were there with them, and not just for our need. It is then that “we will find favor in their eyes”, that the parent-child relationship matures into a healthy lasting and loving relationship.

2) The Midrash explains how each Maka was “Mida Kineged Mida”, an exact measure proportional to what the Mitzrim did to Bnei Yisroel. Chazal are teaching us that consequences for behavior must be educational. There must be a connection between the consequence and the misbehavior or mistake that was made. This can be the hardest part of being a mechanech, being creative and finding meaningful ways to teach our kids lessons instead of falling back on generic punishments. Often what helps the most is talking out with what they did, the importance of taking responsibility for their actions, and how this will help rectify it. Kids need help processing, we cant always assume they “get it”. Sometimes it even helps to ask the child directly if they can think of a possible consequence or way to rectify what they did, or to brainstorm alternatives together, giving the child an active roll in their education and helping them become more self-aware.

Shabbat Shalom,

Have a great Shabbos,

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel

At the beginning of this week’s parsha (and twice in last week’s parsha) Moshe is instructed to warn Pharaoh about the next plague. The phrase that is used is בא אל פרעה – “Come to Pharaoh”. The question is, since Hashem was sending Moshe to speak to Pharaoh surely it should say לך אל פרעה – go to Pharaoh not come to Pharaoh?

Rabbeinu Bachya offers the following explanation: We know that the plagues came in three series of three; the first two had a warning whilst the third did not. The first of those warnings was always given outside and the second was given inside Pharaoh’s palace. בא doesn’t mean “come”, rather “enter” and was a command to warn Pharaoh in his palace. This week’s parsha opens with the eighth plague and therefore the warning was to be given inside Pharaoh’s palace. Pharaoh was too arrogant to admit that Hashem was in charge. Ruling over the vast land of Egypt and living in a lavish palace made him feel omnipotent. The plagues were intended to teach him a lesson, therefore the warnings for the plagues were specifically alternated between his two power bases. We also have two power bases. Our mind (soul) and body (tefillin Shel rosh and Shel yad).

I give everyone a bracha that if we get a sign in one power, we should be wise enough to understand it and apply it in our lives.

Shabbat Shalom,

We find again and again that Moshe Rabeinu complains to Hashem that he is an inadequate leader and that he cannot do the job himself. Each time, Hashem answers back that he can do it and offers him more help (Aharon to speak, later the 70 Zekeinim). We see this theme over and over again throughout Tanach and Torah She Baal Peh. What makes a good Jewish leader is not that he/she is infallible, it is that they have self-awareness of their strengths and shortcomings, and are not afraid to ask for help. The Torah teaches us this lesson about our leaders because this is a behavior that needs to be modeled first. It is very difficult to admit fault or ask for help. We see that in other religions leaders are presented as perfect and it is forbidden to criticize their behavior or decisions. Yet Chazal never shirk from criticizing our leaders and personalities in Tanach (albeit in a respectful way and mindful of their own place when compared to previous generations).

As our children grow and leave our “authority” (if we ever really had it in the first place), certainly leaving us more and more physically, we want them to be comfortable and confident enough to ask us for help and guidance when they need it. I find often kids learn the most not when they are proven wrong but when the adult was wrong and admits fault, takes responsibility, and models for them how to handle such situations.

Shabbat Shalom,

Have a great Shabbos,

Ari Deutscher MSW
Menahel